Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
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Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.