there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
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I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
bias laundering edition
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*