[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
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Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Finally a use for spoilers…
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?