“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
You Might Also Like
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Everything reminds me of my ex
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
A ghost story
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever