You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
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I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.