Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
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Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.