*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
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Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy