Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
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Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.