TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
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Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.