The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
You Might Also Like
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
first you must answer his riddles
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Here’s a meme
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work