This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
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Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Bros before Ohioes
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.