Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
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Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?