The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
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Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
Delightful if true: booby trap.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.