Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
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“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Thank you corporation very cool
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
Cheers Twitter.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol