The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
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*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
u spoke cat all this time??????
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.