hi why am I like this
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“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
A completely valid reaction tbh
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )