Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.
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You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
just pretend nothing happened
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.