*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
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Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
I thought this was funny lol
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?