Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
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I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.