[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
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I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
That was easy.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.