me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
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I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS