Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
You Might Also Like
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
plant them where lol
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.