Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
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“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Expect the unexporcupine.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato