Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
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BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
liiiiiiiiike
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.