Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
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I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
Growing out my freckles.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die