Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
You Might Also Like
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.