Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
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Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
#titanic
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.