To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
You Might Also Like
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Happy Febuary everyone!