Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
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30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there