Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
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People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look