“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
You Might Also Like
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
I am, perchance
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.