Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
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Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*