“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
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Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Autocorrect is my menesis
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Shower sex be like:
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco