My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
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oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
This meeting could have been a cake
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.