I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
You Might Also Like
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Something Saturday.
#winning
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
What?
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…