Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
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JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.