Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
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Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
We cut our bangs at dawn.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
The Others (2001)