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Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Hotels are back
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.