I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
R.I.P.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.