A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
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Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.