If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
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My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!