Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
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ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano