*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
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Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.