[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
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OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
a lot to unpack here
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Perfect
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.