Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
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Stephen King ruined corn children for me
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
I wish I could veto my bills.