fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
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the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Not all heroes wear capes.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it