There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
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[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.