Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
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When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.