Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
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[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Coffee is ready.