If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
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just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do